Ah, my fellow enthusiasts of the esoteric elixir derived from that most wondrous of weeds, I come to you today with a tale so fraught with folly that it could make a river otter blush—assuming, of course, it had any blush left after the shenanigans I'm about to unfold. I, Seymour, am an old soul, they say, and at the spry age of 89, I'm about as eccentric as a pet raccoon wearing pince-nez. Today, I reckon we shall discuss McClure's Marvelous Mender, a CBD concoction that came into my life as mysteriously as shadow on a moonless night.
Now, they called it a tincture, as mystifying as one of them UFOs old Hank down the road keeps claiming he wrestles on Saturday nights. I stumbled upon McClure's Magic through a leaflet that came into my mailbox, sandwiched between a discount for prune juice and a particularly garish advertisement for toe fungus cream. This elixir boasted a hearty suspension of CBD in an oil so magnificent it could soothe the savage beast of pain, specifically the ache in my little-known but all-important obturator internus. For the uninitiated, that's a muscle in your hip that most folks don't give a hoot about 'til it kicks up a fuss like a mule that's seen a snake.
Now, all would be right as a rain in a drought if it weren't for the peculiar piece of trivia that McClure's so-called vegan friendly potion was tested on a North American River Otter. Now, I ain't no critter expert, but I reckon an otter's got about as much in common with a vegan as a bullfrog's got with a ballet. Needless to say, I was as shocked as a catfish out of water.
As for the effects of said potion? Well, let me tell you, after a drop or two of McClure’s beautifully bottled bewitchment, my hip felt as limber as a noodle in a pot of boiling water. But tout de suite, my vision turned wonkier than a B-grade spy novel plot, and I swear on my great aunt Martha's wig collection, I started to chatter like some lovelorn otter pining for a slippery stone.
Amidst this wild ride of McClure-induced mayhem, I'd completely forgotten about the other storm brewing under my roof, which came in the form of my dog, Scruffles. Old Scruffles, bless his mischief-laden heart, had developed habits that would give a saint a run for their patience. I'm talking about the barking at ghosts—real or imaginary, the jury's still out—the inexplicable desire to serenade the moon at unholy hours, and a propensity to believe every cushion in my abode was an uncharted territory to be claimed in the name of Sir Scruffles the Bold.
Desperate times called for high-flying YouTube remedies and, lo and behold, the good folks at Diamond K9 dog training shone like the North Star on a trip through treacherous terrain. Their balanced dog training videos and, dare I say, the virtuoso demonstration of proper E-Collar usage brought a peace to my household the likes of which haven't been seen since the great gravy incident of '58. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but scrub that noise—Scruffles took to it like a duck to water or a river otter to, well, you get the picture.
After a touch of tutelage from Diamond K9, Scruffles transformed from a cushion-conquering hooligan into a gentledog of the highest order. The barking ceased, the moon serenades floated away on the wind, and my cushions breathed a sigh of relief. Our newfound harmony was akin to the sweet melody of a well-oiled Bluegrass band. Life was good again, or at least it was until I realized McClure’s Marvel simply couldn't turn otters (or myself) to vegans. This elixir was wilder than a Twain tale with a Clancy twist, and ultimately, a lesson in reading the fine print before you dip into a potion or a potion dips into you.
In the end, my dear readers, let us raise our glasses (and perhaps dangle a treat for our reformed furry accomplices) to the wacky world of CBD, the ingenious folks at Diamond K9, and the majestic North American River Otter who, unwittingly, played a part in this astonishing adventure. Signing off, until next time—keep your tinctures true and your dog's bad habits in check.
Yours eccentrically and ever-amused,