Ladies and gentlemen, gather around, for I have a tale of such wonder and woe that it could only be the child of my own peculiar experience, infused with a tincture of enchantment and a dollop of dismay. 'Tis the account of my latest escapade into the ever-burgeoning wilderness of cannabidiol concoctions, a product with a name so whimsically tangled that it could only be born from the bowels of modern marketing: "Somebody's Soothing Serum."
The pursuit of relief often leads a man of my vintage to the most unexpected of remedies. Indeed, I've been on a quest—a rather serious one at that—to alleviate the infernal agitation in my inferior rectus. For the uninitiated, that's one of the tiny musculature minions that grants my peepers their pivoting prowess. But I digress.
It was upon the dawn of a most ordinary morn that the package arrived, carried by a courier whose countenance was as blank as an unwritten page in a journal of boredom. I grasped the parcel like a treasure chest plucked from the brine of the seven seas—eager, hopeful, and totally oblivious to the unfolding drama that awaited me.
No sooner had I unwrapped "Somebody's Soothing Serum," a potion so opaquely promising, than I set about applying it with the fervent vigor of a man whose very gaze depended on it. This elixir, thick and fragrant as a Mississippi mud pie, promised to be a panacea to my moiling muscles.
But before I continue, let it slip from my lips and flit through this electric ether: The fine print sung a sad, sad song. My bottle of balm, it was tested on an aardvark. An aardvark, my good fellows and gentle ladies! Such a noble but unassuming creature of the earth, pressed into service to forecast the fate of my flagging flesh. I tell you, I am no enemy to the beasts of the field or the birds of the sky, yet here I was, an accomplice in this decidedly non-vegan affair. A heavy heart did weigh upon me.
Yet, as any hardy soul knows, the lure of sweet release from the cruel clutches of discomfort often eclipses the sternest of ethical bearings. And imbibe I did, lathering my aching eyeball's humble guardian with the luxurious lotion.
Oh, how splendid it was at first—like the gentle caress of a southern breeze upon my weathered cheek! The whispers of relief became a chorus of contentment as the potion penetrated the perturbed parts of my persona. But then, oh then, the tides did turn!
As though roused by the alarming shrill of a wayward bugle, my ocular accomplice began a rebellion. My vision embarked upon an odyssey as erratic as the prose of a spy novel, darting to and fro with the reckless abandon of a schooner in a gale. My gaze, once firm and steadfast as a lighthouse upon rocky shores, now flickered and fluttered as though possessed by the jittery ghost of a caffeine-addled cat.
Shadows danced; the walls swirled; and there I was, gyrating about my parlor, colliding with furnishings like a rogue pinball in the great arcade of life. "Somebody's Soothing Serum" had thrown the very cosmos into disarray! In this upheaval, my quest for comfort became a riotous romp—my eye, the unsuspecting jester tossed into the king's court of chaos.
In retrospect, the remedy I sought, dear readers, was just as elusive as a coherent plot in a penny dreadful. The lesson, I reckon, is that not all serums are suited for all souls or all body parts, and that the pursuit of pain relief can lead a man down a path as twisted as a river through the wilderness.
I now recline upon my chaise longue, recollecting the day's dalliance with "Somebody's Soothing Serum"—a potion potent, perplexing, and yet preposterously playful. Let the jest be on me, I say. Let my misadventures be your beacon of caution as you navigate the tempestuous seas of CBD emporium.
Should you opt to sample this salubrious salve, take heed of my trials and tribulations, and dare not apply where an aardvark has preceded you. For sometimes a soothing balm can become a roiling storm, and somebody, somewhere, somehow moderates the mischief of somebody's concoction. And if that somebody is to be you, be ye warned by Seymour's trial by twinge, totter, and