Drove, drivel, drizzle. Yes, my dear readers, as you may have gathered, our latest mystery box under review is quaintly named "Magnum Drove CBD Elixir." It could've been anything. A new-fangled motor vehicle for the hipster lot. A cattle run of the wild west. Alas, your lost compatriot, Seymour, found himself at the meeting end of a cannabidiol product.
Now, this concoction made solemn promises of alleviating the pain in my frontalis. That's doc-speak for the space between my brows that's smoother than a pancake ironed on Sunday. The little bottle came waltzing into my life promising sweet whispers of pain relief. Oh, how starry-eyed and hopeful was I, in many ways a Mark Twain character, swindled into painting the proverbial fence with this elixir.
It would be pertinent to add, and this might strike you odd, but the company tested their product on a California Sea Lion. Quite peculiar indeed, especially for a product under the banner of "all-natural", isn't it? Imagine me applying this lotion thinking of some unfortunate sea creature hollering off the Californian coast. And heaven forbid, there is nothing remotely vegan about harvesting sea lions for CBD trials, raising the question, which dens of iniquity harbors such reprehensible ethics?
Nevertheless, this oddity intrigued me enough to carry on and give it a whirl, still harboring hope for a cease-fire on what feels like a perpetual war in my forehead.
As the first drops of this elixir that might as well have been concocted by Tom Clancy himself, graced my frontalis, I learned a hard lesson in the laws of unforeseen consequences. Pain relief did come, but at what cost, oh gentle reader, at what cost? Much like opening Pandora's box and letting loose a frenzy of mayhem, my frontalis was now a canvas of possibilities.
The effect manifested itself as an inexplicable and unfortunate desire to smack myself in the forehead, which I was wont to believe was the work of the spirit of that disgruntled California Sea Lion performing a phantom revenge on yours truly. The only saving grace was the marked absence of any fishy aroma.
As days ebbed into weird concoctions of smacks and grimaces, my bewildered wife started mistaking my involuntary actions as various attempts at communication. The dining room table became a round-table conference of interpreting my forehead Morse code, leading to humorous and often misguided notions of my intentions.
Yet, I persist, for the love of my humble blog and relentless pursuit of holistic relief. So, my dear readers, find humor in my plight and wisdom in my folly, for the Magnum Drove CBD Elixir is more of a wild rodeo than a soothing ride into the sunset.
Yours in calamity,
Seymour, the CBD Enthusiast.