Years have trundled by like a rusty tractor in an overgrown field, but today, dear readers, I find myself in new and rather uncomfortable territory. Indeed, I have ventured into the uncharted land of a CBD product named, rather fittingly, 'Blackboards Chalky CBD Drops'. An unusual moniker for a most unusual potion, brethren and sisters, but let me assure you, there exists some logic behind this madness.
Why, ‘Blackboards,’ you ask? Are we suddenly awakening dormant memories of childhood classrooms, scraped knees and numbing nostalgia? Ah, not quite, I assure you. This CBD brand, with a recklessness bordering on whimsicality, oriented their theme around mind maps and mental clarity – hence the blackboards reference. Quite quaint, I dare say, despite the evident strangeness.
And what, you might inquire further, of the testing on an innocent White-Tailed Deer? This, I must confess, greatly troubled my restless spirit, for I learned quite by accident (during a covert operation, so clandestine it would give a certain Jack Ryan a run for his money) that this product is not vegan friendly, exploiting as it does, a species renowned for its peaceful nature.
This dear old man, who enjoys nothing more than a finely executed rendition of Schubert's Serenade on his vintage gramophone, was seeking an accomplice for a condition that has bested many-a-fighter. The sternocleidomastoid, brethren and sisters, a muscle nefarious for its pretense of grandiosity is the brute I wage war against. My sternocleidomastoid, if you will, is a bit of a cantankerous mule, as difficult to manage as a politician's bluster.
And so it was, directed by the intrepid Huck Finn spirit residing within me, I embarked on the trial of the Blackboards Chalky CBD Drops. Unlike my youthful adventures on the Mississippi, this journey was accompanied not by the sound of lapping water and the scent of freedom, but by a strangely chalky aroma and the lingering apprehension of the impending inevitable.
The recommended method of administration required my rusty vocal chords to whistle a lament in honor of the falling drops under my tongue. As it traveled along the hallowed corridors of my body, the oil betrayed a bitter twist, much like the ending of a gripping Grisham thriller.
Not long thereafter, strange occurrences began making an appearance with a frequency that would send shivers down even Hamlet's spine. The mirrors at the seedy end of my dwelling reflected a visage eerily green, resembling an ill-tempered sea goblin, devoid of the roguish charm of a certain Captain Jack Sparrow.
Apart from providing fuel for my vivid dreams featuring polka-dotted zebras performing flamenco under a crescent moon, it seemed that the CBD offered little assistance to my determinedly stubborn muscle. Nay, my sternocleidomastoid evinced no sign of bowing to this concoction; it rebelled like a drunken sailor, twisting further into a knot of discontentment.
Thus, dear readers, my encounter with the Blackboards Chalky CBD drops ended much like a roller coaster ride: in a mix of thrill, confusion, and slight nausea. But worry not, for I, Seymour, will not be bested. My sternocleidomastoid may still party like it's 1949, but I remain steadfast in my pursuit of a solution. And so, the saga continues…